November/December 1999 Issue

An Islander’s Guide to Y2K
Never fear, we’ll survive this millennium pest in tropical style.

Those of you who by now have still not heard of the Y2K bug must be living under the proverbial rock (or at least on North Captiva). The notorious millennium bug is reputed to be worse than our own vicious no-see-ums and mosquitoes. Not even a new can of Swamp Repellent will kill it. Avon’s Skin-So-Soft will not deter it. Back-Woods Off will not protect us.
   So what’s an islander to do in times of impending trouble?
   First of all, don’t panic. We’re no strangers to adversity, for Pete’s sake. We’ve been to Bailey’s Grocery in March, when every single spot in the parking lot is taken. We’ve struggled through left turns onto Periwinkle Way in April. We’ve survived raccoons in our garbage. No little bug will take us down.
   We can think of the possible arrival of a Year 2000 bug as just another hurricane prep. The only noticeable difference is that nobody has seen fit to personalize the little bug against which we are preparing to battle. Somehow, it’s always easier to stock up on necessities and make contingency plans when threatened by a Cindy or a LuAnn or an Antonio.
   Alas, we probably should make some sort of plans for this nameless little bug. Here’s a good place to start...

TASTY MEAL IDEAS
One Y2K theory forecasts that grocery shelves will empty when computer crashes disrupt distribution lines. We islanders will still, however, have lots and lots of edibles if the shelves empty out. Look around and you’ll discover you’re surrounded by fruit salad: coconuts, key limes, grapefruit, oranges, mangoes, and papaya.
   A snafu at the grocery store could actually be the push you need; you’ve been saying how you would like to get more creative in the kitchen. How many tropical recipes can you come up with using the aforementioned ingredients?
   Fortunately, islanders wouldn’t need to live by fruit alone. In fact, you probably know plenty of guys hoping for a Y2K crisis. Why? Name one other scenario where jillions of die-hard anglers could not only justify hanging out the “gone fishin’ ” sign, but they would also become HEROES for doing it. (“See ya later, honey, I’m going out to catch our groceries.”)
   Of course, there is an alternative to hooking your own entree. You do have until New Year’s Eve to strike up an incredibly close and meaningful friendship with a professional fishing guide. The guide will probably suspect nothing as you spring for dinner or drinks on a regular basis and offer to wash the car while he or she is out fishing.
   Anyone adverse to sushi will want to stock up on supplies for outdoor grilling prior to 01-01-00, in case the highly touted No-Power Scenario comes into play. On your list: a dry bag of charcoal, a grill that doesn’t look like it was used on the Titanic, and, most importantly, one of those full-length aprons with a goofy saying on it.
   In addition to its obvious benefits, the grill plays an important psychological role in disaster survival. It lets men, in particular, feel they are in control. A fellow’s caveman roots easily surface as he pokes at flames, asserting his manhood over fire and beast (and bug, in the Y2K No-Power Scenario).
   While your own family is gathering cookout supplies in preparation for the ’99-’00 rollover, don’t forget that lighter fluid is a wise purchase, although we must all be on the lookout for lighter-fluid abusers. You may know a squirtaholic, and you must intervene or disarm this maniac at all costs. Getting blown to Kingdom Come is not an advisable way to avoid the Y2K bug. It is, however, a great opportunity to get aerial shots of the islands, so wear a camera around your neck if you plan on standing around the ol’ grill with a complete stranger who’s holding a can of lighter fluid and matches. Your flight could be coming right up.

THE NO-POWER SCENARIO
We prefer to think of the No-Power Scenario as a peaceful, getting-back-to-basics time. Life will be mellow. We’ll rise with the sun and go to bed early. Days will be spent reading or making crafts from seashells. Evenings will be spent playing Scrabble by candlelight. Wanna sneak out at night? Rustle up a bicycle or canoe and go for it. It will be just like being at summer camp, without having to sing “Kum-Ba-Yah.”
   Average evening temperatures on the islands will be 68 degrees in January. If we did lose power, you would be very, very happy you’re in Florida. Folks experiencing the average evening temperatures in unpowered Duluth, Grand Rapids, or Rochester will be busy chopping wood and planning another ice-fishing expedition. Brrrrr.
   You, on the other hand, need only stock up on candles, playing cards, good books, and writing supplies: all the things your mom used to pack before sending you off for a couple of weeks each summer. You do not, however, need to put your name in your underwear.
   One small aspect of the No-Power Scenario, however, mandates bravery on the part of a few. There are certain situations in which CPR does not help, painkillers and medical training become worthless, and the support of friends and family often goes unnoticed. We’re referring, of course, to the uselessness of blow-dryers.
   This hairy dilemma could be a real setback. Folks you never suspected of being emotionally attached to blow-dryers will suddenly drop out of sight. They could become withdrawn or experience severe mood swings. If you are the one who cannot fathom life without a blow-dryer, and you believe the Y2K bug might pack some punch, you do have these options:
   a. Buy yourself a generator
   b. Get a buzzcut
   c. Move to Mars
   If you choose option b, but the power stays on during the rollover and you regret your decision, Times of the Islands cannot be held responsible in any way for emotional damage.
   If you choose option c, this writer would like an exclusive interview prior to your departure.

POOLS OF RUM
Perhaps you have also heard Y2K predictions about municipal water supplies failing. WHO CARES? You probably have a pool here on the islands, and if you don’t, your neighbors do. You’ll get used to that chlorine taste in no time. Start experimenting now with tasty additives, such as aspartame, grapefruit juice, or rum.
   The thing to remember about washing down a little fresh-caught fish with the ol’ pool water is this: It would be a wise idea to keep small children and dogs out of the pool after about December 28.
   If you don’t have a pool, and you’re not friends with your neighbors, perhaps now is the time to take over a plate of deviled eggs, learn their names, and develop a close and meaningful friendship.

COCONUT TELEGRAPH
Most of us have experienced the absolute desolation resulting from owning only cordless phones during a power outage. It is frightening, knowing that not even solicitors can reach you, when they have been a reliable factor in your early evening life for so many years.
   Do not get caught in a lonely situation if the bug invades our global phone system. There are several interesting and creative ways to get messages to nearby friends.
   A good old-fashioned bicycle is the most obvious telephone replacement. You could surprise yourself and accidentally end up with buns of steel simply by pedaling around to see your friends.
   Exercise isn’t mandatory for good communication, however. Revisit your childhood with the joy of walkie-talkies. Or get yourself a hand-held VHF radio. (Discussing this purchase is a handy way to begin bonding with your new best friend, the professional fishing guide.)
   The truth is this: Anyone who has lived on the islands for any length of time knows that power has never factored into the amazing speed or durability of the Coconut Telegraph. In fact, for many of us, this efficient (if not factual) form of information technology is a bigger part of our lives than telephones, faxes, and e-mail combined.
   The old wooden benches in front of Captiva’s Island Store and Rosie’s Deli on Sanibel have always been, and will always be, the most plugged-in seats in town.

IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS
Before the rollover, it’s extremely vital we gather our important documents in one place, although no one knows exactly why. The term “important documents” means different things to different people; however, some items should not be overlooked in times of impending doom. A good, solid list of documents should include:
• This week’s lottery tickets
• The invitation and map to your new buddy’s Super Bowl party
• Your favorite Randy Wayne White book
• The official rules to Monopoly
• A good supply of toilet paper, which isn’t technically a document, but is, according to the polls, a paper people trust.

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE
Chirping cardinals awaken you. You fall asleep to locusts and frogs and herons and the occasional slap-on-water of a jumping mullet. Your days are a diminutive symphony of mockingbird songs, boats knocking gently against docks, and the occasional falling palm frond.
   There is no recycling truck in front of your house at 7:30 a.m., no leaf-blowers cranking up at 8. Cigarette boats are dormant, waverunners are in storage, delivery trucks are nowhere to be seen.
   It’s driving you crazy, all this peace and quiet!
   You have just entered the Y2K double feature: the No-Power and No-Gasoline scenarios, now showing simultaneously in a neighborhood near you. The world is so quiet you can hear a PIN drop. (That was your ATM PIN, by the way.) There is no hum of a refrigerator or air conditioner, no TV, no mopeds, no answering machines, no beer trucks, cardiovascular treadmills, electric razors, ceiling fans. Good grief, it seems like...1800.
   Better start watching those “Little House on the Prairie” reruns to see how the Ingalls family fell asleep without any noise on the prairie.
   Plan now or suffer in silence.

THE GOOD NEWS?
It’s all good news. Year 2000 glitches could actually be beneficial to islanders. The charm of yesteryear potentially awaits us all: We could get back to nature and a slow-paced, peaceful life. In worst-case scenarios, we would find ourselves fishing, bird watching, riding bikes, cooking out with the neighbors, and eating by candlelight.
   Yes, millennium malfunctions could affect us, yet somehow we would move on, recalling with great emotion our former daily activities of fishing, bird watching, riding bikes, cooking out with the neighbors, and eating by candlelight.
   Bring on the rollover. We don’t know a better place to celebrate it.
   Libby Boren McMillan puts her total faith in the Island Water Association and Lee County Electric Coop. She is working on her first book, Your Cat’s Role in the Global High-Speed Communications Industry.